reflections on 'sowing and sexuality'

my feet are filthy and there's dirt under my fingernails.

black soil and remnants of charred asparagus...

today we finally planted. and i feel reminded of my lack of faith,

my inability to trust that things will grow. 

my overall pessimism with the world

and the way things are and the way they could be. 

thinking about sexuality

about wanting to give and receive - not just pleasure but life.

knowing that patience and rain are essential. 

trusting the sun and the darkness.

i realize again that i am lazy. 

i would rather sip beer on the deck than dig up hard soil. 

i want things to grow - and eat the fruits - 

but not do the work that is required.

wanting to find intimacy the easy way - and on my terms.

cheap and convenient. 

i want to cheat the process, literally. 

to go where i know i can find temporary satiation for my desires. 

like fast food. greasy fries that sit heavy in my stomach 

and harden my arteries, 

but are so tempting and satisfying in the moment.

wanting to pour out the pent up parts of me that seem so disconnected.

unhealthy weeds that lurk beneath the surface.

or maybe they are seeds waiting to germinate?

hibernating for years in the dark.

i reflect and wish that i too could find an outlet 

for my sexuality in a way that gives life, 

both to me and beyond.

wanting to share life in a deep way.

to set down roots, 

not into soil but into the life of another - 

so that we grow together and feed each other.

but right now i am still alone and unsatisfied.

despite wonderful friends and a beautiful backyard. 

despite laughs over beers on a patio and 

a job where i get to love people (some days). 

so many parts of me just feel unhealthy.

i don't know how to find faith or hope. 

and i don't feel like i have the time or patience 

to just sit back and trust anymore. 

i keep getting hurt and hurting others. 

like a dog going back to vomit.

people keep saying not to settle for less. 

that i'm worth more. 

at the end of the day though, where do i express these desires?

and how can i be fulfilled? 

to know that i'm not alone.

to know that i'm ok?

and those things i still don't know... 

and i don't feel like there are enough voices 

passing along wisdom for this journey. 

learning the hard way often seems to be the only way. 

continually learning through painful stupid mistakes

seems to be the only thing that makes me take action.

and that causes me enough grief to stop and reflect. 

and maybe that is the only way.

maybe the other options are too guarded. 

too safe. too many walls. 

but still, this is a lonely journey, despite the many who walk it.

some days i just get tired of walking alone.