there have been a lot of people dying lately.
or almost dying.
or in the hospital.

its that time of year.
with christmas approaching,
the festive decorations
often reinforce a sense of dread
or loneliness

for some people,
this is the hardest time of year.
not due to the busyness of buying presents
and multiple christmas parties.
but because of the reminders of what has been lost
or who is no longer with us.

people begin to seem more desperate,
less able to cope with the pain they carry day to day.
as the cold weather sinks in,
and the options diminish,
more people check themselves into hospital
or go too far trying to numb their pain.

at the same time,
more and more people are rushing to 'help out'
wanting to put in their once-a-year volunteer hours.
for this brief advent time,
people are more generous with their time and their money.
then their interest fades in january,
as the reality of debt, blizzards, and work sets in once again.

personally, i do not feel hopeless during the Christmas season.
i feel indifferent.
part of me tries to hold onto, and even create, family traditions...
while the rest of me wants to ignore the holiday altogether.
we've basically done away with presents and the rush of it all,
but we have not managed to maintain family ties,
or a sense of the sacred and memorable.

maybe if i were a more spiritual person i could find peace
in the 'reason for the season'
with all the candles, carols, and generousity that abounds.
but i just get bored and annoyed with it all
and prefer to think about it as minimally as possible

as it stands,
i watch a few bad christmas movies on t.v.
eat way too many gingersnaps and pablum fudge
and begrudgingly cook Christmas Eve for a dinner
that could embody the Christmas spirit,
but which always makes me feel stressed and more scrooge-like.

even still,
in january, i wish i could rewind.
because, if nothing else - Christmas is a season of expectation.
whether it be the forethought of a holiday from work,
an evergreen surrounded by presents or a tiny baby saviour...
when it is over,
there is nothing to look forward to but spring,
which is still 2 cold months away.

as much as i complain,
i don't think i will ever completely skip Christmas.
but i think i will have to find something to celebrate before Easter,
besides Valentine's.

... maybe St. Patrick's day will be good this year.