its been a long time

usually when i travel i tend to write a lot
not online, but usually i journal
record how i feel, what i'm learning,
how i'm being challenged.

i didn't write much this last trip at all.
didn't feel particularly like saying anything.
i don't know if it was because i wasn't learning
or because i just didn't have the ability
to process it at the time.

now that i'm back i feel that there were
things that i did, indeed, learn.
some of them where learned in contrast,
the flip side of the experience.

like the value of being in one place.
of being immersed in a community,
where one week, one month, or one year
is better than passing through and staying
at a random hostel for 3 days.
fun, and interesting, but not realistic.

so now that i am contemplating my future,
i have to try to implement these lessons,
but i am finding it hard.
i really don't want to commit.
and i don't know if its because i think i will
miss out on something better...
or because i want to keep my options open to
new possibilities

or just because i am scared.
scared of responsibility. scared of being committed
to something which may turn really difficult and
which i can't shrug off and think
'ah well, i'm leaving soon anyway'
realizing that when things get shitty,
i still have 2 more years to go....
i fear that i will change in that time.
or that something amazing will come up,
and other people will be free to do it and i will be stuck.

in many ways that is it,
and has always been the issue.

i hate the idea of being 'stuck'

i stayed in caronport for 5 years
and always felt 'stuck' there
and yet i chose to go back and go back and go back.
because i felt i was 'supposed' to be there.

i would NEVER have been able to commit to 5 years....
8-10mths was the most i could ever muster
(maybe that's why pregnancy is 9mths...
although it does come with a lifetime commitment...
again, why i am not having children)....

committing to school, even for 2 or 4 years,
at least gave me 4mths of freedom every summer.
i think i am resistant to growing up.
to becoming an adult and having to work year-round.
i don't really like the concept.
partially because i'm lazy.
partly because, well, life's too short
not to take a lot of breaks and visit your friends often.

the people i know who i envied,
who had a free year... to travel, to visit friends...
in many ways found it very hard,
to have no roots, no permanent community.

i feel like i could have roots here, for a while.
even tho i never want to say i am from KW,
i have friends here... i have to leave early for appointments
because walking down the street i'm usually guaranteed to
be stopped for a quick hello at least a few times along the way....
i feel invested in this community and it has invested in me.

yet i am still nervous to commit.
what if things change and i have to stay.
what if i really don't do well at this job??
i have so many fears and reservations...

"do one thing each day that scares you"
but this one day will turn into 365 or more...
it just feels so long.
so intense.

but there are good reasons to be around here.
family. babies. fun times.
i really have to decide. and move forward.
and grow up. (even just a little)...