there have been a lot of people dying lately.
or almost dying.
or in the hospital.

its that time of year.
with christmas approaching,
the festive decorations
often reinforce a sense of dread
or loneliness

for some people,
this is the hardest time of year.
not due to the busyness of buying presents
and multiple christmas parties.
but because of the reminders of what has been lost
or who is no longer with us.

people begin to seem more desperate,
less able to cope with the pain they carry day to day.
as the cold weather sinks in,
and the options diminish,
more people check themselves into hospital
or go too far trying to numb their pain.

at the same time,
more and more people are rushing to 'help out'
wanting to put in their once-a-year volunteer hours.
for this brief advent time,
people are more generous with their time and their money.
then their interest fades in january,
as the reality of debt, blizzards, and work sets in once again.

personally, i do not feel hopeless during the Christmas season.
i feel indifferent.
part of me tries to hold onto, and even create, family traditions...
while the rest of me wants to ignore the holiday altogether.
we've basically done away with presents and the rush of it all,
but we have not managed to maintain family ties,
or a sense of the sacred and memorable.

maybe if i were a more spiritual person i could find peace
in the 'reason for the season'
with all the candles, carols, and generousity that abounds.
but i just get bored and annoyed with it all
and prefer to think about it as minimally as possible

as it stands,
i watch a few bad christmas movies on t.v.
eat way too many gingersnaps and pablum fudge
and begrudgingly cook Christmas Eve for a dinner
that could embody the Christmas spirit,
but which always makes me feel stressed and more scrooge-like.

even still,
in january, i wish i could rewind.
because, if nothing else - Christmas is a season of expectation.
whether it be the forethought of a holiday from work,
an evergreen surrounded by presents or a tiny baby saviour...
when it is over,
there is nothing to look forward to but spring,
which is still 2 cold months away.

as much as i complain,
i don't think i will ever completely skip Christmas.
but i think i will have to find something to celebrate before Easter,
besides Valentine's.

... maybe St. Patrick's day will be good this year.

its been a long time

usually when i travel i tend to write a lot
not online, but usually i journal
record how i feel, what i'm learning,
how i'm being challenged.

i didn't write much this last trip at all.
didn't feel particularly like saying anything.
i don't know if it was because i wasn't learning
or because i just didn't have the ability
to process it at the time.

now that i'm back i feel that there were
things that i did, indeed, learn.
some of them where learned in contrast,
the flip side of the experience.

like the value of being in one place.
of being immersed in a community,
where one week, one month, or one year
is better than passing through and staying
at a random hostel for 3 days.
fun, and interesting, but not realistic.

so now that i am contemplating my future,
i have to try to implement these lessons,
but i am finding it hard.
i really don't want to commit.
and i don't know if its because i think i will
miss out on something better...
or because i want to keep my options open to
new possibilities

or just because i am scared.
scared of responsibility. scared of being committed
to something which may turn really difficult and
which i can't shrug off and think
'ah well, i'm leaving soon anyway'
realizing that when things get shitty,
i still have 2 more years to go....
i fear that i will change in that time.
or that something amazing will come up,
and other people will be free to do it and i will be stuck.

in many ways that is it,
and has always been the issue.

i hate the idea of being 'stuck'

i stayed in caronport for 5 years
and always felt 'stuck' there
and yet i chose to go back and go back and go back.
because i felt i was 'supposed' to be there.

i would NEVER have been able to commit to 5 years....
8-10mths was the most i could ever muster
(maybe that's why pregnancy is 9mths...
although it does come with a lifetime commitment...
again, why i am not having children)....

committing to school, even for 2 or 4 years,
at least gave me 4mths of freedom every summer.
i think i am resistant to growing up.
to becoming an adult and having to work year-round.
i don't really like the concept.
partially because i'm lazy.
partly because, well, life's too short
not to take a lot of breaks and visit your friends often.

the people i know who i envied,
who had a free year... to travel, to visit friends...
in many ways found it very hard,
to have no roots, no permanent community.

i feel like i could have roots here, for a while.
even tho i never want to say i am from KW,
i have friends here... i have to leave early for appointments
because walking down the street i'm usually guaranteed to
be stopped for a quick hello at least a few times along the way....
i feel invested in this community and it has invested in me.

yet i am still nervous to commit.
what if things change and i have to stay.
what if i really don't do well at this job??
i have so many fears and reservations...

"do one thing each day that scares you"
but this one day will turn into 365 or more...
it just feels so long.
so intense.

but there are good reasons to be around here.
family. babies. fun times.
i really have to decide. and move forward.
and grow up. (even just a little)...

and what if i'm not okay

insecurity is a beast
that steals in and eats your heart out
and your confidence
and your control

i was trying to write something positive
a song that empowers you when you listen to it
(nevermind that i can't sing and have never
written a song in my life)
but all i could do was cut down the things that
are supposed to be

comparing yourself to others should be one of
the 7 deadly sins.
i guess jealousy is. and they are sisters.
because i don't often compare people's struggles to my own,
only if mine are greater.
and i know you have to 'be your own person'
and you 'only have one life to live: your own'

but i can't help feeling like shit all the time.
slightly depressed. moody.
wanting to snap at people or block them out altogether.
and yet craving intimacy.
at the same time isolation.

i don't feel competent
or strong
or beautiful
or successful
or creative
or genuine
or assertive
or smart
or funny
or friendly
or loving
or _______

should i feel those things?
is that selfish?

but i feel immoblized
lame
immature
emotional
and pathetic

of course writing this out makes all those labels seem true