musings from an empty house

i'm so tired.

i was standing at a checkout counter
when someone came in and starting
giving me a shoulder massage.
i almost cried/fell asleep/..........

it just made me realize
that on days like today,
when i feel so tired and so drained,
i am most vulnerable.

that i feel like i would curl up in bed
with anyone. almost.
days when i wish i had someone to come home to
some days when lovely roommates aren't enough.

i know it'll be a long time coming.
and some days i'm good with that
(usually when i'm not the 3rd, 5th or 7th wheel)
but other days, i'm tired of it.

tired of being tired alone.
tired of running around and having no one to run to.
tired of feeling spent and no one to be spent with.
tired of being so tired all the time.

and i know it would complicate my life.
and i know i'm probably too needy right now.
and i know that the ways things are is probably for the best.
and i know and i know and i know.

but i feel alone.
even though in this exact moment (.now.)
i feel content.
happy to watch grey's anatomy, cry, fall asleep.

but sometimes just knowing that tomorrow is another day.
and i'll be sitting here at the end of it
with a computer on my lap
in the quiet of an empty house.

it was the massage that set me off.
a reminder of what was lacking.
or of what would be nice right now.
but it was a moment. and its gone.