Tuesday, January 22, 2008

and what if i'm not okay

insecurity is a beast
that steals in and eats your heart out
and your confidence
and your control

i was trying to write something positive
a song that empowers you when you listen to it
(nevermind that i can't sing and have never
written a song in my life)
but all i could do was cut down the things that
are supposed to be

comparing yourself to others should be one of
the 7 deadly sins.
i guess jealousy is. and they are sisters.
because i don't often compare people's struggles to my own,
only if mine are greater.
and i know you have to 'be your own person'
and you 'only have one life to live: your own'

but i can't help feeling like shit all the time.
slightly depressed. moody.
wanting to snap at people or block them out altogether.
and yet craving intimacy.
at the same time isolation.

i don't feel competent
or strong
or beautiful
or successful
or creative
or genuine
or assertive
or smart
or funny
or friendly
or loving
or _______

should i feel those things?
is that selfish?

but i feel immoblized
lame
immature
emotional
and pathetic

of course writing this out makes all those labels seem true

2 comments:

* shaina * * said...

ah, i know so well what you mean when you speak of that intimacy/isolation bit...what IS that!? i'm finding myself in a deep well of regret (or something) these days. wishing i could donate my remaining years to someone more..competent--excellent word..to somehow make up for a wasted lifetime...maybe i'll go blog about it. oh ruthi-o. maybe we lived too hard. wore ourselves out. i just wish it felt like there was more to show for it.

~Nanc. said...

Ruthi! I feel like you ARE
competent
& strong
& beautiful
& successful
& creative
& genuine
& assertive
& smart
& funny
& friendly
& loving
& Wonderful!

I could write you a story to underline my point for each of these... but I'm not sure you want them posted all over the internet!

I know you didn't write this so that someone would combat all you said and reassure you that you're ok. But I also know that for some strange reason there is a dark cloud over you right now and it shouldn't be. I'm going to ask Jesus to take it away and show you how He sees you!

I love you so much you incredible wordsmith and I know that He must love you so much more than that!

Let's hang out soon!!
~N.