quiet time ramblings...

i'm in the continual process of learning how to sit by myself.
sit with myself.
stay inside of myself.

i fill my life with people.
don't have too many silent moments.
i'm not good with 'alone time'

i'm not really sure what it is...
if the silence is scary.
if what i see within is not enough,
or too much.

but i prefer to be talking... listening... watching...
rather than meditating, thinking, being.

so when i've had too much caffeine
and have a day to myself...
it feels overwhelming,
suffocating... endless.

i think ahead to the next few weeks,
of being in this big city,
alone in the days...
trying to fill time...
to stay sane.

i have work to do,
i thought that would be enough,
fill my mind enough...
but i still get so antsy, so lonely,
so sick of my own company.

even just to have someone to sit beside
when i'm reading,
to work in silence yet together...

i feel like there must be something wrong with me.
i mean, i can frame it positively 'i'm an extrovert'
but i think that there is something lacking here...
something that needs to be filled...
or something that needs to be left empty once in a while...

how do you cultivate this skill without going crazy?