obsessed?

i always seem to do this
and it doesn't matter that i am older
and theoretically wiser.

as soon as there is the possibility of a boy
as soon as the slightest interest is shown
i turn all of my attention and
mental energy towards thoughts of this possibility.

the idea of playing it cool.
or even of being pursued,
is completely lost on me.
i just keep pushing forward and trying
and trying and trying.

trying to contact.
via text. email. telepathy.

and when my attempts are not reciprocated,
i begin to obsess, to question, to doubt.
even before there is even a tangible possibility,
i am already imagining all of the options,
fortunetelling the future.
trying to will it into being.

i wish i could relax. just wait and see...
see if i even WANT to pursue something,
rather than being more intrigued by the possibility
than by the reality of my heart. of my plans.

basically, i just want there to be a possibility.
especially a far away possibility.
to have someone who i can focus on.
obsess about.
and, ideally, who is equally obsessed with me.
(ok, maybe enamoured, rather than obsessed).

but i don't take the time.
i just keep texting, even with no reply.
and getting more and more discouraged.
more disillusioned with myself,
with love. with men.

i feel like i'm in high school again.
having passed a note to a boy in class,
sitting staring at the blackboard,
trying not to notice if he's writing back or not.

why do i allow my emotions to be dictated by another,
especially when the other does not have a clue
that they hold so much sudden sway in my life.

maybe i am not well differentiated...
just pushed and pulled by externals...
my emotions constantly manipulated by
my own mind's perceptions of another.

i don't even know if this possibility is a possibility.
or if i would even want the possibility to become reality.
yet i can't stop thinking, focusing, drifting...
wishing he would respond so i could be in touch...
rather than waiting, trying not to seem desperate.

i am the least in control and logical in these situations.
i lose any wisdom i may have.
don't take my own advice.

i am single-minded. obsessed. alone.
lonely.