time to get it together

lars and the bastards is pumping in the background
(and by pumping, i mean, playing at volume level 3)

last night i got all teary-eyed (when am i not) looking at old pictures
and letters and memories...
realizing how blessed i am by the people in my life.
and missing those people.
and realizing that i hurt some of those people because of my own
self-protection and fear.
and there's nothing i can do about that now.
but i wish i hadn't caused pain. just to avoid pain.

i was looking at all these things.
and just thinking about growing up.
and what i always wanted life to be.
what i thought life would be.
and i didn't want this.
bored and lazy.
unmotivated and selfish.

i mean, those are the roots right - and they have to be plucked out.
and of course, they'll never fully leave.

but i decided to try starting the process over again.
the process of being redeemed.
of living life. really living it.

in the smallest of things.
and into the most important of things.

i need to write the letters i've been meaning to write.
show those i love the ways they have blessed me.
finish some projects i've been meaning to do.
take my time and use it -- to read, to sit outside, pray, sew, write.
there's a rut of work and sleep and watch tv that i have fallen into
(homework in there somewhere - theoretically)

but there is so much more.
that's what we always said.
it is easy to lose sight though.
especially while staring at a computer screen.

and it makes my focus much less eternal.
insignificant.
hour to hour. just getting by.
partly that's just the way it is sometimes -
feeling tired and burnt out - and not having a good reason.
when you're constantly spending yourself and serving,
its easier to feel burnt and keep going.
because you have a purpose and a goal.
but when you just feel drained and useless -
then it is so much harder to move ahead.

but each day is the chance to live.
and wake up and thank God for it all.
beyond what i deserve.
[i threw food away the other day.
and was reprimanded by someone who had lived
in a refugee camp.
this wasn't my mom saying 'there are starving kids in africa'
this is someone who has experienced hunger,
basically saying
'if you had lived my life, you would never have taken that for granted']

i take so much for granted.
i have wasted moments and hours and days.

i want that to end.
to begin the process of ending.
the process of living.
full life.

les incompetantes

i hate being seen as incompetent
or useless
but sometimes i play dumb
because i am insecure and
i am not confident in my abilities or decisions
so i act like i don't know what is going on
because i don't know what else to do
its annoying
and embarrassing
but i don't know what else to do

really defensive

i get like that sometimes and it makes me mad
and everything begins to make me mad

and frustrated

(angry blogs are always better than the others)

i feel like i have to prove myself
and i do prove what they say to be true

like the feminist argument
if you become defensive
they've already won and proved your point

(whoa, i feel so sick from a Tim Hortons cookie right now)

it used to happen more often
and make its because i'm short
so i have to make myself feel bigger
or maybe i feel like i am always condescended to
'ah, little ruthi'

you wanna piss me off? pat my head and speak platitudes to me
(is platitudes even a word? wiktionary)

i remember in high school... someone patting my head and saying "there, there"
facetious on purpose... but still enough to make my blood boil.

i always want to write. when i have homework to do.
and when i have to wake up early. (i hate that it means i have to go to bed early)

blogs weren't meant to be a public complaint forum.
but its just what comes out sometimes

anyway - i get defensive... trying to prove myself

you want to know something else i hate.
(not someone, something -- i hate the verb not the noun, if that makes sense)
shrieky girls.
the act of freaking out that makes people come to the rescue.

there's an ani song about this...
whether or not its true...
"i am not a damsel in distress, i do not need to be rescued"

okay, so i feel the need to put all the lyrics here...
so that i have them, somewhere...
bear with me... or skip this. or stop.

"Not A Pretty Girl"
I am not a pretty girl that is not what I do
I ain't no damsel in distess and I don't need to be rescued
so put me down punk maybe you'd prefer a maiden fair
isn't there a kitten stuck up a tree somewhere

I am not an angry girl but it seems like I've got everyone fooled
every time I say something they find hard to hear
they chalk it up to my anger and never to their own fear
and imagine you're a girl just trying to finally come clean
knowing full well they'd prefer you were dirty and smiling

generally my generation wouldn't be caught dead working for the man and generally I agree with them trouble is you gotta have youself an alternate plan and I have earned my disillusionment I have been working all of my life and I am a patriot I have been fighting the good fight

and what if there are no damsels in distress
what if I knew that and I called your bluff?
don't you think every kitten figures out how to get down
whether or not you ever show up
I am not a pretty girl
I don't want to be a pretty girl
no I want to be more than a pretty girl...

well.... i really don't feel the need to say anymore.
this may not sum me up most of the time
but it explains how i feel tonight

i'll figure the rest out later....

for my nanc

there are gifts
and there are blessings

there are sunsets
and there are seas

there are some things that we cherish
and there are some people that we need

whoa... enough sappy poetry
i wanted to write words for you
(maybe because you called me a wordsmith
and it stroked my ego)

but i wanted to convey what isn't shared enough

i wanted you to know again and again

how oifasdjfodhfodsaihfdois you are
(what word do i put there, special? important? loved? creative? amazing?)

and i wish i could be there
partly to hang out with you
partly to kayak and make mosaics
partly to watch you love your kids
partly to bake and drink too much chai

i wish i could be there for some or all of those things
and i pray that God brings you what you need
what you may not even know you need

God provides for you nanc
because you trust him

you represent faith to me
(did you know that?)

you jump and trust and enter the scary unknown places
because you know and love a Jesus who is there with you

even in the lonely places
especially in the lonely places

but i pray you don't have to stay there too long
and hopefully the answer to my prayers
(and yours)
will be a hot, west coast hippie with beautiful dreads
who can play a mean egg shaker
and fix your broken cars
(preferrably male, since i really want there to be a beach wedding
so i have an excuse to be there for a few weeks to help 'decorate')

i love you mate
and you are loved.

just frustrated enough

well, i guess i am finally frustrated enough to actually write something here

sometimes when its late, you just want to vent to someone...
and i guess this world is as good as any... for now...

i just get so frustrated...
and maybe its my toothache...
or just that time of the month...

or maybe because the end is near...
too close... and not fast enough...

but i'm just tired...
tired of being lied to
tired of yelling and not being heard
tired of being disappointed
tired of watching bad choices take their toll
i'm just tired...

man, i love these kids
and that's why it hurts so bad sometimes...
and i'll miss them when they're gone...
but they can break your heart, make you smile, piss you off... all in a matter of moments.

i know i know,
its all part of being a parent...
and maybe that just happens when you give birth...
but man, i don't know...

of course, in the end...
the good outweighs the bad...
the love outweighs the manipulation...
the hugs outweigh the evil glares....

until then though...
i'm just tired

maybe it'll work this time

so, i wanted to create a blog... just because...
i don't want to write anything...
i don't really want to share...
but i thought 'what the heck'... 'i'll be cool' right?
didn't work last time,
should have taken that as a sign...
we'll see