tagging along

i really did not know what this journey would involve
we say no expectations
and i realize how unrealistic that expectation is

i guess i expected a revelation
or inspiration
i thought it would fill me up
or make me less lonely
and grumpy
i thought it would refresh me, bless me,
upset me
(i wasn't really trying to rhyme, i promise)

but in the way of it all... things come together
this random journey of ours
which has led me to a random coffee shop in pittsburgh
surrounded by people who are all familiar with each other
enjoying a potluck and applesauce cook off.

we got off the bus here. neither of us knowing a thing about
pittsburgh
(besides the penguins)
and not knowing who we were here to see
instant hugs as we left the amtrak station
e-connections and new friends
with loaned bicycles and late-night brownies
and similar paths with troubled kids....
i marvel at the kindness of strangers
and the lack of strangeness
(although i still won't stop at the fire hall to fill up a tire)

i have learned many things that i already know

that i don't like to stop and ask directions
that i can be quite, and mostly, selfish
that i really don't need to shower but i get smelly
that i like to spend money on food but not books
that train really is the only way to travel

(and much more, i'm sure)

but i have also learned some new things

that conversation can come easily at times
that relational connections are very powerful
that pieces of life can come together in ways unknown ( http://quenchthethirst.org/)
that medicinal herbs and the inner city do mix
that people are quite friendly in the strangest of places
that slim jims are almost as readily received as a handful of change
that vanilla coke zero is as good as diet vanilla coke - who knew?
that serving and living where you are is as radical as anything
that the real adventure is developing lasting relationships where you are
that intentional community is an experience in learning to love each other
that we're doing o.k.


okay, so none of that sounds too profound
and that might be the point of it all

we didn't really experience anything radical

our prayer was that we could go and be a blessing to those we met
that we would have opportunities to serve
that we wouldn't be a burden to those we stumbled upon
that God would provide connections and opportunities
that we would learn about ourselves and our place and future plans
that we would meet and learn from people and find a space for dialogue
(okay, so maybe those weren't all conscious prayers, but thoughts that filled the background of our minds as we ventured forth)

we had heard of Kensington, and had the chance to serve on Kensington
we had the chance to see and weed in Camden
we saw random history museums
met doctors and caretakers in hostels
gave out a few slim jims
ate some delicious pretzels (but no cheesesteaks)
drank lots of chai
and had some pretty good chats...

of course this is all distilling.
and the outcomes and content aren't yet obvious
(what good things ever are?)

but i feel more rested
and think it'll be okay to carry on
especially feeling privileged to be in school,
when even in this rich land, some kids will never have a chance
and i think that we're doing okay

not that this trip has promoted complacency
and not that it has lit a passionate fire that'll fuel for years
but there have been sparks and stoked embers...
encouragement to 'keep on, keeping on'
that living it out... in simple ways.... is the only way....
not that macro issues aren't important
and not that justice is not critical....
but we keep asking questions and seeking....
seeking to love those in our community (neighbours, roommates, husbands-if-you've-got-em, family)
which is really so so hard and harder still....

but being intentional is important
and that was a good reminder
and i think i like gardening more now
and i think things make a little bit more sense
or a little less
or at least there's a little more peace
in the process

okay, this is far too long, and there's more to say

so this is a break-------------------------------

time to get it together

lars and the bastards is pumping in the background
(and by pumping, i mean, playing at volume level 3)

last night i got all teary-eyed (when am i not) looking at old pictures
and letters and memories...
realizing how blessed i am by the people in my life.
and missing those people.
and realizing that i hurt some of those people because of my own
self-protection and fear.
and there's nothing i can do about that now.
but i wish i hadn't caused pain. just to avoid pain.

i was looking at all these things.
and just thinking about growing up.
and what i always wanted life to be.
what i thought life would be.
and i didn't want this.
bored and lazy.
unmotivated and selfish.

i mean, those are the roots right - and they have to be plucked out.
and of course, they'll never fully leave.

but i decided to try starting the process over again.
the process of being redeemed.
of living life. really living it.

in the smallest of things.
and into the most important of things.

i need to write the letters i've been meaning to write.
show those i love the ways they have blessed me.
finish some projects i've been meaning to do.
take my time and use it -- to read, to sit outside, pray, sew, write.
there's a rut of work and sleep and watch tv that i have fallen into
(homework in there somewhere - theoretically)

but there is so much more.
that's what we always said.
it is easy to lose sight though.
especially while staring at a computer screen.

and it makes my focus much less eternal.
insignificant.
hour to hour. just getting by.
partly that's just the way it is sometimes -
feeling tired and burnt out - and not having a good reason.
when you're constantly spending yourself and serving,
its easier to feel burnt and keep going.
because you have a purpose and a goal.
but when you just feel drained and useless -
then it is so much harder to move ahead.

but each day is the chance to live.
and wake up and thank God for it all.
beyond what i deserve.
[i threw food away the other day.
and was reprimanded by someone who had lived
in a refugee camp.
this wasn't my mom saying 'there are starving kids in africa'
this is someone who has experienced hunger,
basically saying
'if you had lived my life, you would never have taken that for granted']

i take so much for granted.
i have wasted moments and hours and days.

i want that to end.
to begin the process of ending.
the process of living.
full life.

les incompetantes

i hate being seen as incompetent
or useless
but sometimes i play dumb
because i am insecure and
i am not confident in my abilities or decisions
so i act like i don't know what is going on
because i don't know what else to do
its annoying
and embarrassing
but i don't know what else to do

really defensive

i get like that sometimes and it makes me mad
and everything begins to make me mad

and frustrated

(angry blogs are always better than the others)

i feel like i have to prove myself
and i do prove what they say to be true

like the feminist argument
if you become defensive
they've already won and proved your point

(whoa, i feel so sick from a Tim Hortons cookie right now)

it used to happen more often
and make its because i'm short
so i have to make myself feel bigger
or maybe i feel like i am always condescended to
'ah, little ruthi'

you wanna piss me off? pat my head and speak platitudes to me
(is platitudes even a word? wiktionary)

i remember in high school... someone patting my head and saying "there, there"
facetious on purpose... but still enough to make my blood boil.

i always want to write. when i have homework to do.
and when i have to wake up early. (i hate that it means i have to go to bed early)

blogs weren't meant to be a public complaint forum.
but its just what comes out sometimes

anyway - i get defensive... trying to prove myself

you want to know something else i hate.
(not someone, something -- i hate the verb not the noun, if that makes sense)
shrieky girls.
the act of freaking out that makes people come to the rescue.

there's an ani song about this...
whether or not its true...
"i am not a damsel in distress, i do not need to be rescued"

okay, so i feel the need to put all the lyrics here...
so that i have them, somewhere...
bear with me... or skip this. or stop.

"Not A Pretty Girl"
I am not a pretty girl that is not what I do
I ain't no damsel in distess and I don't need to be rescued
so put me down punk maybe you'd prefer a maiden fair
isn't there a kitten stuck up a tree somewhere

I am not an angry girl but it seems like I've got everyone fooled
every time I say something they find hard to hear
they chalk it up to my anger and never to their own fear
and imagine you're a girl just trying to finally come clean
knowing full well they'd prefer you were dirty and smiling

generally my generation wouldn't be caught dead working for the man and generally I agree with them trouble is you gotta have youself an alternate plan and I have earned my disillusionment I have been working all of my life and I am a patriot I have been fighting the good fight

and what if there are no damsels in distress
what if I knew that and I called your bluff?
don't you think every kitten figures out how to get down
whether or not you ever show up
I am not a pretty girl
I don't want to be a pretty girl
no I want to be more than a pretty girl...

well.... i really don't feel the need to say anymore.
this may not sum me up most of the time
but it explains how i feel tonight

i'll figure the rest out later....