musings from an empty house

i'm so tired.

i was standing at a checkout counter
when someone came in and starting
giving me a shoulder massage.
i almost cried/fell asleep/..........

it just made me realize
that on days like today,
when i feel so tired and so drained,
i am most vulnerable.

that i feel like i would curl up in bed
with anyone. almost.
days when i wish i had someone to come home to
some days when lovely roommates aren't enough.

i know it'll be a long time coming.
and some days i'm good with that
(usually when i'm not the 3rd, 5th or 7th wheel)
but other days, i'm tired of it.

tired of being tired alone.
tired of running around and having no one to run to.
tired of feeling spent and no one to be spent with.
tired of being so tired all the time.

and i know it would complicate my life.
and i know i'm probably too needy right now.
and i know that the ways things are is probably for the best.
and i know and i know and i know.

but i feel alone.
even though in this exact moment (.now.)
i feel content.
happy to watch grey's anatomy, cry, fall asleep.

but sometimes just knowing that tomorrow is another day.
and i'll be sitting here at the end of it
with a computer on my lap
in the quiet of an empty house.

it was the massage that set me off.
a reminder of what was lacking.
or of what would be nice right now.
but it was a moment. and its gone.

a new season as the leaves are blown off the trees...

i said i felt stirrings.
a new season.
beginnings of a journey.

today i went to church.
2x.
(superchristian).

the 2nd one was about pain.
psalm 88.
about suicide and mental health and babies dying.
about addictions. and brokenness. and helplessness.
a father's cry for his daughter.

in the dimmed lights.
i cried (as we all did).
and i felt the pain.
of my friend sitting nearby and his buried burden.
of my friend buried. beaten.
of those who beat him, broken.

and i felt a taste of the pain that so many i work with carry.
the pain they've carried for their lives.
of loss. of their own potential loss of life.
of the recent and inevitable yet sudden loss of a friend.
i felt like i could finally feel some of that pain.
and realized how deep it could feel.

i have lived a very sheltered life.
i have not felt a lot of deep pain on a personal level.
my experience of suffering is limited.
and most often 2nd or 3rd hand.

so when i have been faced with the suffering of others,
i have not ever truly understood.
even though i had glimpses.
and could relate to some of the universal experiences.

but on a visceral level, it was not real to me.
and even now, i have not felt the true depths of pain. of loss.
a beginning.

and today.
sitting in the back chair. my knees curled to my chest.
i felt that i was about to enter a season of pain.
and in that one moment, i felt peace.
i felt that if i could make it through, there would be hope.
and that if i were to ever truly hold hope for others,
i would have to learn it through deep suffering.

not that suffering would happen to teach me a lesson.
but that if i were to choose hope in the midst, somehow.
that i could be there on the other side to be present for others.

and maybe it was just a moment.
and i hope so.
because it scares the shit out of me.
in that moment, i said that i would welcome whatever comes.
and i asked to be held to make it through.

i hope i'm being overdramatic.
or that i'm on the end of this journey.
but i have a feeling its just beginning.
and life is full of suffering so its inevitable that i'm going to have to endure it.
but what if its my family?
what if its too hard... and what if i can't make it through?

i have no idea.
and the moment has passed.
but by writing this down,
i have a small reminder.
of what may be to come.

God rest upon us.