time to get it together

lars and the bastards is pumping in the background
(and by pumping, i mean, playing at volume level 3)

last night i got all teary-eyed (when am i not) looking at old pictures
and letters and memories...
realizing how blessed i am by the people in my life.
and missing those people.
and realizing that i hurt some of those people because of my own
self-protection and fear.
and there's nothing i can do about that now.
but i wish i hadn't caused pain. just to avoid pain.

i was looking at all these things.
and just thinking about growing up.
and what i always wanted life to be.
what i thought life would be.
and i didn't want this.
bored and lazy.
unmotivated and selfish.

i mean, those are the roots right - and they have to be plucked out.
and of course, they'll never fully leave.

but i decided to try starting the process over again.
the process of being redeemed.
of living life. really living it.

in the smallest of things.
and into the most important of things.

i need to write the letters i've been meaning to write.
show those i love the ways they have blessed me.
finish some projects i've been meaning to do.
take my time and use it -- to read, to sit outside, pray, sew, write.
there's a rut of work and sleep and watch tv that i have fallen into
(homework in there somewhere - theoretically)

but there is so much more.
that's what we always said.
it is easy to lose sight though.
especially while staring at a computer screen.

and it makes my focus much less eternal.
insignificant.
hour to hour. just getting by.
partly that's just the way it is sometimes -
feeling tired and burnt out - and not having a good reason.
when you're constantly spending yourself and serving,
its easier to feel burnt and keep going.
because you have a purpose and a goal.
but when you just feel drained and useless -
then it is so much harder to move ahead.

but each day is the chance to live.
and wake up and thank God for it all.
beyond what i deserve.
[i threw food away the other day.
and was reprimanded by someone who had lived
in a refugee camp.
this wasn't my mom saying 'there are starving kids in africa'
this is someone who has experienced hunger,
basically saying
'if you had lived my life, you would never have taken that for granted']

i take so much for granted.
i have wasted moments and hours and days.

i want that to end.
to begin the process of ending.
the process of living.
full life.