les incompetantes

i hate being seen as incompetent
or useless
but sometimes i play dumb
because i am insecure and
i am not confident in my abilities or decisions
so i act like i don't know what is going on
because i don't know what else to do
its annoying
and embarrassing
but i don't know what else to do

really defensive

i get like that sometimes and it makes me mad
and everything begins to make me mad

and frustrated

(angry blogs are always better than the others)

i feel like i have to prove myself
and i do prove what they say to be true

like the feminist argument
if you become defensive
they've already won and proved your point

(whoa, i feel so sick from a Tim Hortons cookie right now)

it used to happen more often
and make its because i'm short
so i have to make myself feel bigger
or maybe i feel like i am always condescended to
'ah, little ruthi'

you wanna piss me off? pat my head and speak platitudes to me
(is platitudes even a word? wiktionary)

i remember in high school... someone patting my head and saying "there, there"
facetious on purpose... but still enough to make my blood boil.

i always want to write. when i have homework to do.
and when i have to wake up early. (i hate that it means i have to go to bed early)

blogs weren't meant to be a public complaint forum.
but its just what comes out sometimes

anyway - i get defensive... trying to prove myself

you want to know something else i hate.
(not someone, something -- i hate the verb not the noun, if that makes sense)
shrieky girls.
the act of freaking out that makes people come to the rescue.

there's an ani song about this...
whether or not its true...
"i am not a damsel in distress, i do not need to be rescued"

okay, so i feel the need to put all the lyrics here...
so that i have them, somewhere...
bear with me... or skip this. or stop.

"Not A Pretty Girl"
I am not a pretty girl that is not what I do
I ain't no damsel in distess and I don't need to be rescued
so put me down punk maybe you'd prefer a maiden fair
isn't there a kitten stuck up a tree somewhere

I am not an angry girl but it seems like I've got everyone fooled
every time I say something they find hard to hear
they chalk it up to my anger and never to their own fear
and imagine you're a girl just trying to finally come clean
knowing full well they'd prefer you were dirty and smiling

generally my generation wouldn't be caught dead working for the man and generally I agree with them trouble is you gotta have youself an alternate plan and I have earned my disillusionment I have been working all of my life and I am a patriot I have been fighting the good fight

and what if there are no damsels in distress
what if I knew that and I called your bluff?
don't you think every kitten figures out how to get down
whether or not you ever show up
I am not a pretty girl
I don't want to be a pretty girl
no I want to be more than a pretty girl...

well.... i really don't feel the need to say anymore.
this may not sum me up most of the time
but it explains how i feel tonight

i'll figure the rest out later....